How You’re Unintentionally Killing Relationships
3 Ways to Participate in Any Relationship
When I was a personal trainer, I stressed the importance of weight training for several reasons, but mostly because it takes more energy to maintain muscle than it does to maintain fat - meaning you’ll burn more calories just sitting there if you have more muscle on your body (aka a faster metabolism). Win.
Weight training is an investment. Your body wants to be as efficient as possible and if it doesn't have a reason (ie. if you’re not using it) to hold onto muscle, then it will burn it.
Bottom line: If you aren't investing (weight training), then you’re more than likely to burn muscle - slowing down your metabolism.
So you might be asking: What in the world does this have to do with relationships?
Similar to building muscle, you can only be participating in a relationship in one of three ways:
Nurturing It
Killing It
Letting it die
NURTURE IT
When you nurture a relationship, you intentionally show up and contribute to help your relationship grow and progress. In the exercise world, this would look like weight training and eating sufficiently to support growth.
In a relationship, nurturing may look like:
Spending quality time
Affection
Acts of service
Kind words, acknowledgment, and celebrations
Gift giving
Active listening
Turning towards and checking-in
KILLING IT
If you are killing a relationship, you are sabotaging it. In the exercise world, this would look like not eating enough and only doing cardio - your body would be burning muscle because it has no fuel or reason to maintain it.
In a relationship, killing looks like:
Picking fights
Being critical
Defending, blaming, and not listening
Gaslighting
Disrespect like mocking, eye-rolling, name-calling, etc.
Ignoring and turning away
Lying and not honoring your word
LETTING IT DIE
Letting your relationship die looks like neglect and lack of participation. In the exercise world, this would look like no exercise at all - your body would have no reason to maintain the muscle and with time it would eventually burn off any unnecessary muscle left.
Letting a relationship die might include:
Making everything else a priority
Passivity
Indifference
Being unconcerned
Detachment and/or abandonment
Going through the motions
In my opinion, letting it die is the most elusive because we think, “I’m not doing anything”, and that is exactly the point. We lack participation, and overtime that has a big impact.
Complacency is the enemy in any relationship - the one with your partner, friend, business, and most importantly, the one with yourself.
Take action now:
Make a list of your most important relationships (I highly recommend putting yourself at the top of the list) and rate how you're showing up.
Are you nurturing it, killing it, or letting it die?
Is that in alignment with how you want to be participating?
Take ownership. And then action.
Here’s to strengthening your most important relationships (and muscles).
Keeping flexing and be well+wild,
Jennie
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